Sex, but no sex.
Pick a street in Beirut. Any street. Look in front of you, behind you, above you. Chances are, within your line of sight, there is an ad for some form of physical enhancement, a woman who looks like a cross between Najwa Karam, a disco ball and a Czech pornstar and a guy who has consumed enough steroids to make Schwarzy look like a girly man whistling at her. This unholy trinity of visual queasiness is starting to get very annoying.
I am by no means conservative when it comes to social mores. I’m a Godless libertarian. But the socio-visual landscape in Beirut is becoming repugnant. I actually wouldn’t mind it if everyone was actually bumping uglies, but it’s the blatant hypocrisy of it all. Our society has become hypersexualized, with a distinct lack of actual sex.
Let me explain. I don’t mean no one is having sex, obviously. I mean, Beirut is one of the rare cities I’ve seen where they sell every kind of Durex condom under the sun at the Duty Free checkout counter at the Airport. You know, in case you’re thinking of joining the Mile High Club and you haven’t planned ahead. What I’m saying is that if you walk into a club in the UK, your chances of leaving with someone and getting up to no good are about 70%* (*highly unscientific guess). Your chances in Beirut, where I would say everyone is dressed and acting about the same, is 15% (*again, highly unscientific guess).
There is something misleading about the way we function. Everyone is always dressed up to the nines. Everything is enhanced. Breasts are augmented, fat is reduced, hair disappears. Eyes go green. Lips go red and plump. Pecs appear, bisceps bulge. And yet, very little actually every happens between the sexes on a casual basis.
I know I keep coming back to the opinions of tourists I meet, but they’re a highly useful objective and external vantage point. Every time I take them somewhere, they gasp and say something like “Jeez, it looks like everyone here is getting some tonight”. I proceed to explain the complex dichotomy between appearance and reality, which is an immense buzz kill to the pack of marauding horny Italian Eurotrash men.
Much like the oversexualized women in Arab pop videos, Lebanese women are expected to be alluring and seductive, yet remain virginal. Walking through a shopping mall or making limp-wristed vaguely Oriental dance moves in a club, most seem to be reprising their role as themselves in the movie of their life. It’s a symptom of the Blingification of the world. Everyone wants to be in a hip-hop video. So the men and women of Lebanon flock to Skybar (Note: Other Rooftop bars are available), tanned and toned, their bloodstreams a mix of vodka and champagne, their nostrils flaring at the smell of fireworks. They sway and flirt. But there is no dancefloor. Ever. There is no communal space for people to interact and meet, dance and sweat together.
Everyone lives in a proverbial music video for a few hours. Then they leave the blinged out universe of faux-independence and fleeting adulthood and return to their parents’ homes. Their parents’ homes replete with marble floors and gold chandeliers and expectations of virginal daughters.
Of course, for the men it’s different. They are coached from their earliest age to have double standards, namely that Lebanese women are pure and respectable and foreign women are to be used as vessels for sexual discovery. Many Lebanese men have their first sexual experience at the hands, quite literally, of Eastern European prostitutes in seedy hotels North of Beirut filled with the pungent odour of desperation and lost youth.
Men then go on to embrace this concept of the “Western Whore” and consider anyone remotely blonde that they meet ripe for the taking. Like unevovled cavemen, they whistle and gawk and grope. It’s an embarrassing sight. When I dated a Russian girl in London for two years, and I’d tell anyone in Lebanon where she was from they’d give me a knowing wink and I suppose they’d imagine her with her legs wrapped around a pole, upside down, her blonde hair caressing the stage floor. When I would explain she wasn’t a stripper, or blonde and was the epitome of class, I’d get confused looks for a few moments. It was as if I was pulling the rug from under their every assumption about relationships and sexuality. Then they’d chuckle, as if to say “I’ve just erased what you’ve said, and gone back to my parochial social dynamics. Phew, that was close”. Sigh.
So Lebanon is a country that has something that goes beyond double standards. We have Triple or even Quadruple standards. Lebanese women are virginal yet buxom, foreign women don’t know how to do their nails but they’re fair game in male sexual exploration and all of this happens to the sound of trance and house music and smashing vodka glasses.
It’s an explosive mix. As the summer quickly takes over, and even more clothes are shed, and more alcohol is consumed, more frustration builds up. The gulf between the faux-Miami we’ve created, and the enduring pervasiveness of traditional social values spreads wider. Lots of sexualized bodies with no one to have sex with. Even if they had someone they’d have nowhere to do it, with 30 year-old men still living in their childhood rooms, surrounded by high school memorabilia and a maid that makes their bed before they head off to act like adults for the day.
Our only hope? Well, at the rate we’re going, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that hypersexualiztion will turn into complete desexualisation. The more men pump steroids into their system, the more women pump Botox into theirs, the less they look human at all. Semi-retarded blobs of post-human flesh floating around a phantom city, occasionally bumping into each other and feeling nothing. What was once skin, now a tepid silicone and steroid laden wasteland. The only hope for sex in Lebanon? The death of sex.
This is a clear example of the double standards we have in this society!
What is a clear example of the double standards? My post or the stuff I’m talking about. Hope it’s the latter.
just a few thoughts, if i may:
-what you call a double standard is the result of conflictual social norms and women’s seemingly incoherent behavior a negociation of these norms.
- think of the symbolic violence (and physical violence:plastic surgery) women are subjected to in Lebanon. Violence to fit the global norms of beauty, (the body as a commodity….) Violence of the patriarchal social structures…I feel sorry for them as you should too.
-what you are depicting are the practices of a particular category, urban middle classes, and upper middles classes. And their sexual practices are a bit more complex. They are getting laid just not having full intercourse….Although some of them are.
-Finally, i really like your blog and i hope you won’t find my comment unnerving.
Great post Nasri and so true. Loved the line about 30 yr old men living at home (and so glad I live alone!). Keep up the good work.
Rana –
- Exactly. I’m just calling out behaviour that is just highly hypocritical.
- Notice I haven’t assigned blame. There are no victims and perpetrators. It is a system. The system is inherently sick on all levels. I’m not partaking in an analysis of the system, just noticing one of its manifestations in one branch of society. But the sickness is there. And everyone is to blame. Men who misogynistic and chauvinistic, and women who are complacent. There are of course exceptions to the rule, and people who actively try to go against what the system does to gender roles. But that’s a discussion for a PhD thesis not a blog post:)
- Obviously I can only comment on the things I see. I cannot go into people’s houses in poor villages and pry into their sex lives, and I cannot write about them without doing that. So I limit myself to what is in my field of vision (and that already makes me judgmental and condescending enough, I shed a dozen friends a week!)
- Thank you for the compliment and thanks for reading, and there is no way in hell I would ever find a comment unnerving. I love conversations, and illustrating my point, and being corrected and listening. So comment away!
Nadim – Thanks! And yeah, I get weird looks from people when I tell them I live along. Like “Why would you leave a house where someone cooks and does your laundry for you?”
super sad true sex story
Great Post Nasri…I’ve been preaching this since i was a teenager… there’s a nice rhyming saying in slang about this situation, it’s just not type-able, but i figure you understand what I’m on, if not, drop me an email….
The norm on the subject of casual sexual relations in Lebanon is FUBAR
Dan – Think I can be the Lebanese Shteyngart?
And I think what you’re on about. And it’s FUBAR without the F. lol
Ronald – Thanks
I hope i got your quip right, and just in case i did? HA HA!!!!
You did. LOL
This right here is one of the most fascinating and perplexing things about Lebanese society! They spend their entire lives primping and plumping themselves..and all for NOTHING! I couldn’t think of anything more ridiculous..especially since I now know that 99% of these perfectly plasticized people are in fact, getting NO action. And we’re even talking about the most basic of physical acts here.
Maybe it’s the Miami in me..but I just couldn’t do it! If I’m putting that much effort into something, anything..ESPECIALLY my appearance..you better damn well believe that I’m getting something out of it (come to think of it, that’s how I approach most things in my life..) otherwise,.,what the hell is the point? So you can just be an identical part of a society of drones? Makes no sense whatsoever.
And maybe it’s because I’m a foreigner and men see me as a vessel (that’s so graphic by the way NASRI! haha)..but from my experience, Lebanese men are beginning to come full circle in that they are becoming more appreciative of non-plasticized, natural women..or maybe its only coz everyone else has gone to the same doctor and looks like identical twins so the men are just yearning for something different???!! We will never know.
But what we will know is that for all the work they put it, no one is getting laid. And that is just a damn shame..
Dan. Right? Why go to all that effort? I mean some of this stuff takes hours of surgery, besides the hundreds of dollars of foundation. And yeah, Beirut ain’t South Beach by any stretch of the imagination!
I have one thing to say everything u said is true to the max and it’s so sad coz it’s the reality of our country and worse we are living in it and witnessing it every single day, be it at work, pubs or clubs….
They all come to these places plasticized, I mean there’s this one girl I know she wakes up 2 hours before she has to go to work not becoz she lives far away, it’s becoz she needs to put her mask on and it takes a lot of time…and again no sex in return it’s just for appearance and getting attention.
A few of my thoughts..
I’m half Lebanese and half British and I constantly get mistaken for a foreigner. Men will casually come up and utter in their very heavy Lebanese accent, “Wherrre arrre youu frrromm?”. So I answer in Arabic obviously, “Min Libnen”. (keep in mind I studied Arabic at school so I speak, read and write the language fluently). Only to get a response of, “Noooo. I do nooot believe you (again in the very heavy Lebanese accent”.
They are so blinded by the fantasy of being with a foreigner that they disregard your answer because their pea-sized brain is too busy being taken over by erotic visualizations of all the different sex positions they want to put you in! Eeeeeeekk!!!
Why is it, that women cannot be beautiful, dressed to the nines AND be successful at the same time?! I must admit, I love dressing to the nines but by no means am i plastified or botoxed or have undergone any sort of plastic surgery whatsoever. BUT, why are Lebanese men so intimidated by a beautiful successful woman?! Are they that insecure and fake that they realize we will see past their act and realize they are of no substance?!
You said it best with this comment “30 year-old men still living in their childhood rooms, surrounded by high school memorabilia and a maid that makes their bed before they head off to act like adults for the day.”
When I come to think about it, maybe it’s our fault, the women! A lot of women tend to hide their intelligence because they think they still live in a society where a woman’s place is at home behind the ironing board! (ooops sorry, that’s the maid’s job
) Why go to university and waste a few years of your life if you are just going to graduate, sit and home all day, only then to go out all night searching for prince charming (loser) to propose to you!!?!
Awesome read!! Thank you for sharing!
xoxo
Genius, Nasri!
How do you mean there will be a desexualization? What do you picture happening? You don’t picture it going similarly to the US and Euro countries, where the sexualization of appearance came first then feminism?
It is deleterious to women in more traditional societies that a woman’s intrinsic value is often considered to be tied into her sexual habits, such as the number of sexual partners she has had, how “pure” she is, or how much sexual desire she has when this is all quite irrelevant to character. What is far more relevant to her character is whether or not she uses sex as a weapon or to get things. With the way it is in Lebanon, intense hypocrisy on the part of the girls and insane double standards on the part of the men, it ends up with girls chastising themselves for doing something natural and that really saddens me. They also end up conforming to what they think men want (perhaps acting dumber than they are, getting that plastic surgery you speak of) in order to hold a man down and finally get laid sans guilt trip. I also know what you’re talking about with the men and their view of and expectations of American girls – I find it insulting. I love Lebanon and the people I’ve met from there and I hope things change.
I just wrote a helluva long comment that ended up way off topic…i will try to paraphrase and stay on topic…
forget Sex, a nice mature conversation is sometimes impossible to have with a Bar-Neighbor of the opposite sex, because they think you’re only doing it to get through their pants…even if you have no intention on doing so…
I think it’s got to do with a mutual distrust that has been conditioned since childhood, and reinforced through the teens and gets to play out in the 20s.and beyond..it’s a societal thing, and Lebanese girls either have no self confidence, or too much of it to an extent that it damages rather than be of any use.there is no balance…
but this subject does deserve a lot more digging Nasri
Love it.
When my friends in Europe see photos of Lebanese women on facebook, they always get excited about coming to visit – but I always stop their enthusiasm right there and tell them that if the purpose of their visit is to get a girl, they’d better stay on their continent.
Unless they want to get married.
But we’re the best at overdoing it. And by it I mean everything. And we’re so proud of everything; but everything is mediocre. The lack of self-confidence reigns, and the only outcome is, sadly, the “mauvais gout”.
From the tons of vulgar plastic surgery to the stripper bridal gowns, everything is designed to draw attention. It’s kind of like a sad clown. In psychoanalytical terms, we call it “formation réactionnelle” – i.e. you’re homophobic when you’re too freaked out about your own homosexual tendencies.
But the double standard haunts all aspects of our society. Sex on the facade is a great example, but another random one is kindness: no one is as kind and welcoming and warm to a foreigner as a Lebanese person. And yet Lebanese people are some of the worst mannered and rudest persons I’ve ever encountered.
A simple car ride in Beirut: a mad man behind a wheel nearly kills you, he sticks his head out of the window and calls you a son of a bitch. You turn your head and he recognizes you; it’s your neighbor. His grin turns into a smile as he yells:” wleee! hayda enta! Ma 3reftak! Walla mechta2lak 7abib albeh!”
The double standard is the sad dichotomy of who we really are against who we want to be. It is the frustration, the sadness, the rudeness, the bad manners, the greed, the conservativeness, the lack of self-confidence – speaking the language of openness, coolness, kindness, warmth, generosity, party animals, and pride.
And that is why we’re good at languages.
Lebanese spend too much time tv series, and get inspired by the “greatness”of the western ways of living. This is typical of poor societies, where people don’t travel much and their only window to the outside world is.. tv. Add to it immature, arrogant, shallow DNA and you’ll get all the idiocy you need to write a full book about them.
I’ve always said, Lebanese are wanabes, accultured – in a bad sense- especially the Christians . i know since i am one of them ! Last week i had a polemic conversation with a guy – some genius – saying that WE, Christians, are westerners, refusing any Arab relation. Well guess what you are a FAKE Arab and a FAKE Westerner!
I agree that this bubble in which Lebanese are living will blowup one day and will find themselves naked with no substance in front of other cultures, which is driving them to be more fake for now and overdoing to ‘look like’.
I am loving these responses.
I’m reading them on my BlackBerry sadly because I’m engaging in some car horn-free time in a non-disclosed European city. Will answer in detail when I’m back at a laptop!
As a half euro-half leb woman, I am hyper aware of the perception men have of me in Beirut. Although biologically half Arab, I look nothing of the sort and am always treated as a foreigner in Beirut. On one hand, I appreciate this, because it means I am not held to the regular Lebanese woman’s standards (hair, makeup, clothes, surgical modification). On the other hand, were I to wear the exact same highly revealing outfit as a Lebanese counterpart, I am perceived as an easy foreigner (drawing even MORE attention to myself). What pains me the most about these delusions that Lebanese men and women operate under is this tendency (in my view) of Lebanese women to deny their own intelligence (generalization). As if their modified bodies and faces are all they have to offer. I find it depressing as well as difficult to maintain friends in Lebanese women.
You are my hero. Literally every single word in this article is true.
Nicely written! hats off good sir!
10/10
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Sex no sex
?
Maybe they just don’t want casual sex,
Maybe they just ‘re just seeking some kind of power, admiration, relevancy, maybe they’re just running some kind of invisible competition within their own crowd, using the tools they have.
I’m not defending it at all, I see it as lack of self-confidence and insecurity as much as shallowness. And as you said, this isn’t just specific to the Lebanese society.
Don’t you think that being led (or misled in that case) by physical appearances is a bit shallow as well? But then again maybe spontaneous casual sex is not driven by a lot of thinking either.
What about body language? why do you limit it to the oriental dance moves
I think you’re being too harsh, maybe you’re just a perfectionist as much as they are with themselves
I’m glad a man has written about this, especially when it comes to the double, triple, quadruple standards men have over women. It’s one of the reasons why Lebanon — and Beirut — in the summer has little appeal for me. It’s mostly a farce; hard to find anything of quality and you leave empty and dumbfounded. Which is why I’m only in Beirut either for business, family gatherings and special outings. Otherwise, my oh my…
Imagine the complexities of Lebanese women & Lebanese men living abroad (between NYC & Miami, for instance) where we have to dance this dance of seduction and yet we have to behave to certain social morays to maintain the “good” girl status, as if we didn’t care to maintain it.
Good and brave post. We need a female follow-up to that, ya Nasri. Hm….
i have one thing to say more than hypocrisy to describe the lebanese …. FRUSTRATION!! i explain those over-sexed out outfits, looks, make up (which disgust me ) not to mention ATTITUDE, in one theory , frustration. I lived all my life in lebanon disgusted by those things and not finding any explanation whatsoever to why do lebanese girls do this … and even more than just doing it some of them criticize the girls that don’t do it : ” how do u come dressed like this to university? no make up in a sweatshirt…” anyway this subject has been dissected and discussed so i am going to skip the introduction and tell you about my greatest “DISCOVERY” of the explanation “why do lebanese women behave like this? ”
as i said Frustration , lack of sex, of talking about it, of being open minded about it and of being able to discuss it and joke about it in public… I moved to France last August to finish my studies, and the one thing i learned is that sex is natural , they talk about it with so much ease here that it makes me wonder . WHY? with all the “sexed out” looks in lebanon every time you just hear a girl say the word SEX you have everyone looking at her like she is a slut? and when you don’t talk about sex here you are a weirdo… The difference is that in france u don’t see girls flirting and grinding ferociously while dancing with a boy just to let him down, and you also don’t see over painted faces and over high heels at regular parties, just a lot of drinking a lot of laughing and people enjoying their friends and having a good time. Those things are getting harder and harder to find in lebanon.
The SOLUTION : just put a tape saying “SEX” all day long on all the radios so the lebanese can just pull that stick from their asses and just stop being frustrated and GET SOME!!
on the subject of hypocrisy i have just one story to tell that says it all. i was chatting with a lebanese friend of mine the other day to if he evolved after 4 years of living in france to stop thinking that “if she is not a virgin , she is a whore, and the girl i want to marry MUST be a virgin” well he actually said ” the girl i want to marry should be a virgin” and when i asked him ” you ask of the girl you want to marry to be a virgin, are you a virgin? and why can’t she expect that if you want her to be a virgin you should be one too?” and the answer simply was ” if i am a virgin how will we know what to do in bed?” well there you have it … a girl has to be a virgin but the guys duty is to sleep wit as many women as he can so he can ” teach” her what to do in bed , and have experience …
it is up to us educated people to STOP the HYPOCRISY and the FRUSTRATION that leads to it
on the topic of know one having sex. from what i have heard or seen with my own to eye’s. is that men sometimes seduce women they etheir bump ugly’s in the car parked in some dark ally, street, parking, hotel, or in the girls/boys actual bedroom. this is only the small percentage of people who are sexually active. also don’t forget the adult dating website’s if you search for on google. one time at 12:00 a.m or 11:00 p.m i was returning from my accounting tutors office. i just happened to notice the eastern european prostitutes a whole group leaving from a 3 star hotel or furnished apartments. heading to god only knows were to go do what they do. (the only reason i noticed that was the place is because one of the ladies was singing or saying words in arabic). this was in a street leading to LAU. the location is near la or plaza hotel on the other side of the street. if you take a left when heading to lau from a sushi restaurant its name is kaiten on foot. the place has beirut or lebanon something as a name. they are found at the beginning of the street on the left if passing by the la or plaza hotel to head to lau.
also on the subject of foreign women. me personally i don’t look at them as what you mentioned in your article. a relationship with a local or foreign lady is something important to me. from the getting to know her, character, her idea’s and dreams. to me starting a relationship should be based on trust, love, compatibility, and communication.
Someone’s not getting laid…
Great post Nasri although I feel a little exaggeration in your portrayal of you painted of our local teens and not so teens. Many of the points you mentioned in your text were applicable in my younger days, which goes to prove I guess that fundamental change in Lebanon sure does take a while.
While I was reading a old British flick came to mind ( I have no idea why). “No sex please, we’re British”!
i am *stunned* by how well this article expresses every single thought and every sickening symptom of this ‘social system’ as you call it.
this subject has been the center of an ongoing debate between my girlfriend and i over the past months, as we look at this society and (vainly) try to untangle its standards.
classic!!
Dana Jojo – Waking up 2 hours earlier to put her face on, that’s intense. I can barely wake up and wash my face most mornings. I guess she should be commended for having so much energy in the morning LOL .
Nadine – That’s a good point. I have a lot of friends who feel the need to try and dumb themselves down, so as not to freak out men. And I’m always surprised by how many of my male friends don’t want an intelligent, strong-willed woman in their life. That might be a broader problem worldwide, with men being pretty stupid though.
Rabih – I like the idea of a nation-wide schizophrenia. That’s very true though, I’ve always wondered why we’re so friendly and welcoming with someone we don’t know but lack the most basic of common decency in everyday situations with people we vaguely know.
Lex – Far too kind! Thank you.
Jean – Thanks. * takes a bow *
Nad – True. There is a distinction between sex and casual sex. But I mean in the hedonistic club culture we’ve developed, the implication is that in those places you don’t look for a soulmate. And I agree with you, hypocrisy is really the problem at the source of it all.
Jad – It’s also the case that sometimes people just don’t have the physical space to do what they want, so yeah cars and whatever become makeshift lovenests. And your approach to starting a relationship based on those things you mentioned is to be commended, as well as your lack of double standards.
Laura – LOL I was waiting for someone to crack that joke.
Marillion – Exaggeration gets conversations started ☺ I guess that’s the problem here, is that these attitudes have been around for a while. I mean in a way, things have a come a long way in the last 10 years, but in many other ways absolutely nothing has changed.
Oh, and I know that film! Ronnie Corbett is in it!
Jimmy – Thanks, I’m glad you like it. Out of curiosity, what’s the debate exactly that you’ve been having?
“Semi-retarded blobs of post-human flesh floating around a phantom city”
Hahaha I really like that, but as Marillion said earlier, it is a bit exaggerated… A lot of people are getting laid and more and more youngsters live in studios away from their parents, doing sex and everything else… Maybe Lebanon’s problem is that it’s halfway between Arabic conservatism and European liberalism, so people who are stuck in between these two standards naturally feel lost… It’s probably your case.
So, I see this page thru my friend’s twitter link.
I am from India and I can see strong similarities between what you described of Beirut, and what India largely is save some mindsets within the urbanscape – and for the most parts blurry. Foreign women (read whites) experience the “fishbowl effect.” Some get “weirded out,” others choose to develop a think skin. But, in the end, I wonder how this can be changed. Upsurge in the economy? (And people choosing to living independently, and rebel against traditional conservatism as is happening in India?) Better exposure with Westerners in business or non-casual settings so that wrong notions about being licentious die down? I think that bio-psychology would prevent the “death of sex,” and in the meantime other socio-economic factors would perhaps change the trajectory of the dominant cultural expectations.
Here’s the thing – from my perspective in theory I agree with everything you’re saying but also from my perspective I don’t
Let me explain and forgive me if I sound a little un-educated in my approach to this
I’m half Lebanese from my mother’s side and I am above average when it comes to looks. My chest is quite large, waste is tiny, I’m 5’9, colour my hair blonde, and I rock a coke bottle figure and have all this without having to resort to plastic surgery.
When I first moved to the Middle East, the number of Lebanese men that were all over my business because they assumed since I was canadian that I would be loose were a little too many for my tastes. Sure I dated a couple but both of them were so shocked when I clearly stated physical intimacy would only happen when I was ready for it and felt safe with that person.
I was dumped unceremoniously within days of that statement.
So this leads me to the conclusion that there is a genuine lack of understanding of the concept that having sex or not having it is a choice a woman is allowed to make. That’s the first conclusion.
The second one – I rarely ever get the impression that sex is seen as something complementary or a physical embodiment of real affection/love.
Its as if If you look a certain way you are meant to behave a certain way and while stereotypes all kinds of them are not new to the middle eastern landscape – there is a new breed of woman out there that is not willing to comprimise because she is expected to.
I will be forthcoming here and say this – I am one of those girls that hasn’t gotten any in YEARS and that’s my choice. Sure I get asked out, sure lots of men would like to date me, sure there are a few guys I wouldn’t kick out of bed if it ever came to it but I refuse to settle for less. I am completely aware that I may end up being alone or worse living with a couple cats but at least between myself and I and well me is most important since I have to live with the choices I make – at least between myself and I – I won’t have to deal with the thought of having given up on a relationship with an equal.
Finally, I do believe that while we are encouraged to look our best as women, there is an underlying message that having sex appeal is a bad thing. And a woman that is aware of her sex appeal is therefore also a bad thing. I say thing on purpose here.
On the flipside, I’ve known of arab women, lebanese in particular do everything but – and remain faithful to the required virginal image they are supposed to project. That to me is unacceptable but I respect a woman’s personal choice to go down that road I just won’t accept it for myself. I’m part virginal and part naughty and part lots of things. A woman does not to be classified to ease the task of finding a man to marry her.
In the end – its all fair game if you know what the score is and you’re willing to play. I just wish that more people were aware that there was a more interesting game to play then this one.
Elizabeth – I’m glad we agree. And I can understand how the social dynamics would make you avoid the place. Maybe you’d like to provide the female point of view..
Mounia – I like the thought of the word Sex being played all day long on the radio (we’re not that far from it now lol)
Eol – True. Attitudes are changing. But it’s a snail’s pace. And my major problem isn’t with the attitude itself but the amount of hypocrisy. Either say “we’re conservative and undersexed” and act accordingly or say “we’re open and sexed”. As for me, I’m not confused at all! I think everyone should do as they please with no fear of social repercussions. And that applies to both sexes.
Anriban – I think you’re onto something here. I definitely think increased economic activity (read better salaries) would lead to more people living alone, more independence and a loosening of social mores over time. Also, encountering people from different backgrounds in non-regimented settings would help. Thankfully, we’re starting to get an influx of tourists, which challenges people to actually have conversations. Beyond the positive effect this can have on social norms, in the long run I think it can also alleviate another one of our major flaws: Casual Racism. Engaging people one on one is the best way to get to know eachother.
LOL, so true about Lebanese women. Being a Lebanese-American and living in Miami (Hi Danielle!
), people are a bit more open here, so no complaints.
The only thing the author should have mentioned is that Lebanese girls expect Lebanese men NOT to be virgins, so if you’re a Lebanese man, who are you going to have sex with? Either other men or prostitutes lol. I am glad I don’t live in Lebanon because I have no interest in either.
babykaos – That’s another interesting point, the whole “choice” issue. There is something implied in attitudes to sex in Lebanon, and the wider middle east, that a woman has no control over her body and who has access to it. That reflects a wider problem with choice (ie sexual abuse, which is pretty pervasive in all its forms, from wolf-whistles to actual physical abuse). That deserves far more study.
I don’t see why you should end up living with a couple of cats. You seem to know exactly what you want, and that’s something to be applauded. People value that, and you’re open. So it’s not hypocritcal. It’s very refreshingly honest actually.
Miami305 – Yeah saying Miami is a bit more open that Beirut is the understatement of the decade. Everyone pretty much does as they pleases in Miami
which is probably why eveyrone seemed so happy when I was there. Smiles all around. Low frustration levels maybe?
very accurate… Glad to see men seem to see what I see too lol
After living for 7 years in Paris, let me tell you the way mom attacks me when i go home with tweezers to change my eyebrows into fine lines is scary ! :p
“Lebanese women are expected to be alluring and seductive, yet remain virginal”
True.
The Lebanese society asks the women to stay conservative
The media ask the women to look like Barbie
The Lebanese women desperatly want to get married
Results: Chaos
Nasri,
Great article. You nailed it. I used to live in the GCC some time ago (Bahrain / Dubai) before moving to California, and i tell you with full confidence that people there used to have way more sex than in Lebanon.
There is something very important you forgot to mention about our cock-block society though:
Its not the lack of dance floors that doesn’t help people interact… there are no dance floors simply because the Lebanese don’t want to interact!
People go out in groups of social circles; normally old high school or university friends…
Very few people go out with the intention of meeting and interacting with others outside their social circle.
And if you did have the chance to meet a girl from a specific social circle, then the men in her group (since Lebanese men are some of the most insecure and jealous i have ever seen) will eye-rape you all night in such a way as if they are trying to say: “back off buddy”…
Surprisingly, I was never aware of all this until almost all my foreign friends who visited Lebanon observed and pointed this out to me…
And i tell you, Lebanese always claim to have the best night life and the most gorgeous women…lets face it, we are a proud and arrogant population…however, i strongly disagree with these claims..
I have partied in Miami, Mykonos, LA, NY, Paris, London, Dubai, Bangkok, Milan, etc etc etc… and people there would be having the time of their lives and dancing till sunrise with no subconscious voice telling them “don’t act crazy…look rich”…
In Beirut, its allll about looking “rich” (since they all go out to see and be seen).. Ironically, like you mentioned, they almost all still live with their moms.
Moreover, they try to deceive each other, yet, they all live in debt. You name it: car loans, house loans, wedding loans, school loans, computer loans, plastic surgery loans, dental loans, etc….
So yes, once again like you said, double standards.
Its a shame really…but you can’t blame them, this is how the society is…
Now, of course everything i said does not apply to 100% of the population…of course there will be specific cases that are total opposite to my speculations and the view of your article, but this is the general case…
Excellent Post, I am sharing it .
This is way too over-exaggerated, maybe that’s why some people find it interesting..
Every society has a construct that is somehow hypocritical (Mexico, the US, and many others)… what a revelation.
Dima – that’s a funny visual.
Simone dB – Chaos indeed
Marv – I agree with that. I’m not sure we have a lot to be proud of. We have very shiny places, but no one seems to be having fun. Or at least they’re not having fun unless someone sees them having fun.
Wissam – Thanks
Rayan – I never said it wasn’t exaggerated. Exaggeration serves a purpose. When you look at a caricature in a newspaper, do you say “His nose isn’t that big?”. No. You take something real and expand it, to illicit reactions. Saying “every society has a construct” doesn’t really get us far.
I relate to one comment here that Lebanese look for power when ‘oversexing’ themselves, girls and boys. With power comes money, and if there’s one single turn on for lebbos IS money. See, we have 5 % of very wealthy rich people (read corrupt) and 95 % of poor looking to join the club.
In a country where the dynamics of the economy is NOT correlated to its real wealth / productivity, corrupting the 95 % and their values is one way of controlling the mass.
I’ve always heard that WE , Lebanese have more ethics and values than the western world, truth is that we never had any values at all, only extreme endorsement to the powerful as a way to get out of misery and join the affluent club. Appealing for sex can be a way to impress, influence and get some power someday; again, a characteristic of poor societies.
Although I do agree that the apparent contradiction is confusing and frustrating, and admit that I am one of the many that are confused, it doesn’t mean that working on your appearance necessitates wanting sex. We are a traders’ nation with a still vibrant aristocracy. Of course, Public Relations is a priority in such societies. Funny how such a thing as a tenacious culture of aristocracy can affect not only your political and economic situation, but your sexual one, too.
I should also say that I no longer face these frustrations, largely because of the culture I’ve emerged myself in here. That’s the cool thing about Beirut. We’re such a diverse city!
My advice: Hang out with the Lebanese that have lived abroad/truly experienced foreign culture (as opposed to 4 day visits to Ayya Nappa). They’re a perfect mix of both worlds
i’m a syrian christian guy who grew up in america. i have only been to syria once but i grew up with arabic values/traditions. personally, i think one of the greatest things about the arabic culture is its stress on premarital chastity. i hate to see syrians, lebanese, jordanians, etc. who are diluting their culture in order to become like the west. i hope things aren’t changing in that direction. i think the american culture is by and large (i hate to generalize) disgusting and immoral when it comes to sexuality. i would hate for the middle east to lose its purity. i see other arab americans who have compromised the values they were brought up with and it’s very sad.